It's Thursday!

When I started to post this, it was Wednesday, but my computer locked up. So instead of my Humpday post, this will be a little late! That's ok, I like Thursday too - only one more day til the weekend! Yesterday was a rough day anyway with no shows, car issues, etc. So, on to what's going on with me. . .

I’ve decided to take up photography. I’ve always had an interest in photography, but never had the money to get a nice camera, or the time to put into such a hobby. In an effort to get myself out of the house some (and away from issues described in previous posts), I purchased a Nikon D60 DSLR. Kind of expensive, but every picture I take is great!! A friend taught me some things about the camera and I’ve been playing since. I am learning about taking photos, but I think it would be hard to mess up with that camera! I’ve posted some of my pics, tell me what you think. This handsome man is my son, isn't he a cutie??

I am also trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up (at 43, the question is, will I ever grow up?). I really enjoy what I do, I work with kids who have problems – mental illness, family problems, poverty, etc. The problem is, while it is a very rewarding job, you don’t make enough to live on. I read an article the other day that said if someone was thinking of majoring in psychology they should have their head examined! Fine time to find that out, after the master’s degree! The conflict is that I really do enjoy being a therapist, but I’m not licensed and don’t really want to go into private practice and now that it’s just my salary, I’m always looking for more money. I’ve considered pharmaceutical sales, but it’s really difficult to get into those positions. I’ve also considered going back for a Ph.D. and doing therapy online, but I’m not sure there would be enough clients to make a living, besides the fact that to get a Ph.D. the colleges want you to attend full-time and they pay you a stipend (not enough to live on from what I can tell) or it costs a fortune to do it online. Oh, well, I’m open to suggestions!

Losing my mind

Ok, I called him today. God help me, just seeing him driving by made me feel better for a while. I guess he didn't realize that it took so long to get a divorce in Virginia. He probably already had a girlfriend, before he even left, so where does that leave me? I feel completely worthless and that no one would want me. My beliefs will not allow me to see someone else until the divorce is final, if even then. I feel like I'll never get over this worthless feeling, like no one will ever want me again. All he seems to be worried about is the house & money. In case you cannot tell by these very depressing post - it's been a really bad week! Make that a bad month!

Day 5

Well, I still feel like this is a bad dream. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and it will all be over, he’ll be here and things will be ok. I haven’t been able to eat since it happened so on the bright side, I’ve lost 7 lbs. I know, that’s not good, but I really have been trying to lose weight (pre-meltdown, of course). The therapist told me to get some of the drink mixes with protein and could probably keep those down. I shake a lot. Feel very sick a lot. And just cannot seem to stop crying. Today I’m going to visit a lawyer. I’ve gotten referrals for several who are supposed to be good.

I’m trying not to contact him, because I know that would be the worst. I have more willpower now. Usually he just didn’t respond. The only time he did was when I started name calling. I couldn’t help it. Horrible snow and I was stuck here because he took the 4-wheel drive. Thank God mom and my nephew were here, they made it as bearable as possible.

He asked me to text him when I would not be working because he wants to come and see the pets while I’m at work. Also says he would like to clean up & wash clothes here at the house. I don’t suppose there is much way to stop that. That’s another thing I’ll talk to the attorney about.

I just feel awful and I don’t know how to stop it. Everyone says it will get easier, I hope it starts soon. I know it’s only been 5 days, but . . .

He's gone, just like that!

This post has been deleted per attorney advice. After it's all over, I'll publish my journal and how I survived, and I will survive! Thanks for all your support and great messages.