Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Losing my mind

Ok, I called him today. God help me, just seeing him driving by made me feel better for a while. I guess he didn't realize that it took so long to get a divorce in Virginia. He probably already had a girlfriend, before he even left, so where does that leave me? I feel completely worthless and that no one would want me. My beliefs will not allow me to see someone else until the divorce is final, if even then. I feel like I'll never get over this worthless feeling, like no one will ever want me again. All he seems to be worried about is the house & money. In case you cannot tell by these very depressing post - it's been a really bad week! Make that a bad month!

Monday, March 23, 2009

It's been too long

It has been too long for me to be completely incapacitated today. I feel so pathetic. I have been working, only missed 2-3 days, which includes attorney, dr and therapist appointments. (had to have bloodwork done to make sure he hadn't brought something home to me.) Thank goodness I have over 150 hrs of sick time and 2+ weeks of vacation built up at work. I have been freaking out since last night. I cannot quit crying. Not sure why it is hitting me now. Shouldn't this have happened the first week? He walked out on February 28th. I continued to work and seemed to do a good job, but today I've cried all day. I'm tired of crying, I hate to cry. I was so sleepy last night and was almost asleep when my eyes popped open and then all hell broke loose, within me. I feel so pathetic. I know he's not having these issues, so why am I? He is doing probably exactly what his attorney told him to, why can't I? I just want to hear his voice or get some kind of response. I thought forever was just that . . .forever! I waited until I was in my 30s to marry, thinking that I would be mature enough to be married. God help me, I was the worst kind of wrong. I really feel pathetic, especially since he probably has someone else keeping him company and he's not even thinking about me, but yet, he's all I can think of.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Day 5

Well, I still feel like this is a bad dream. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and it will all be over, he’ll be here and things will be ok. I haven’t been able to eat since it happened so on the bright side, I’ve lost 7 lbs. I know, that’s not good, but I really have been trying to lose weight (pre-meltdown, of course). The therapist told me to get some of the drink mixes with protein and could probably keep those down. I shake a lot. Feel very sick a lot. And just cannot seem to stop crying. Today I’m going to visit a lawyer. I’ve gotten referrals for several who are supposed to be good.

I’m trying not to contact him, because I know that would be the worst. I have more willpower now. Usually he just didn’t respond. The only time he did was when I started name calling. I couldn’t help it. Horrible snow and I was stuck here because he took the 4-wheel drive. Thank God mom and my nephew were here, they made it as bearable as possible.

He asked me to text him when I would not be working because he wants to come and see the pets while I’m at work. Also says he would like to clean up & wash clothes here at the house. I don’t suppose there is much way to stop that. That’s another thing I’ll talk to the attorney about.

I just feel awful and I don’t know how to stop it. Everyone says it will get easier, I hope it starts soon. I know it’s only been 5 days, but . . .

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

He's gone, just like that!

This post has been deleted per attorney advice. After it's all over, I'll publish my journal and how I survived, and I will survive! Thanks for all your support and great messages.